To the darkness and back or how to not kill yourself - Part 2

In case you missed Part 1, you can read it here: To the darkness and back or how to not kill yourself - Part 1 — LANA MILANOVIC

It is my understanding that it is perfectly possible to sit through the darkness alone as there are many of us who find themselves alone. So it is important that we learn what to “do” with it, when there is no help around. There are not (yet) many people who understand the physiology of “darkness” so that they could sit with us without interfering with our process. This would require them to first face their own darkness inside of them.

We can read 120 self-development books and do 80 meditations a day but we cannot avoid meeting our inner darkness in all its glory. Even if we’ve learnt all there is to learn about psychology, spirituality and mental health, at the end of the day, the only way out of the darkness is through it.

When there is no energy left in us to run away from ourselves, to hide, avoid, reject, suppress, drink away, sex away, drug away, then it is time to change directions and look inward. Perhaps we can even become curious about it. It is in fact quite fascinating to explore these realms of our psyche none of which are less valuable than their light and positive counterparts.

If we are lucky to find an appropriate companion, we can sit through it with a teacher, coach or therapist, anyone who can be present with us, with it, when it becomes heaviest. What I mean when I say sit through it is being present with it. When we begin to open to feeling our pains from the past, it can seem overwhelming because up until now we’ve been master suppressors. Now I’m suggesting you start doing the opposite, it is going to be likely that your system will respond with great resistance. For this reason it is important to begin with the tiniest of bits so that your system can learn that allowing the pain will actually transform it.

What to do in the actual moment when something in you gets triggered:

At first, remove yourself from another person (or situation), if they triggered you and DON’T fight with them. You can still communicate with them later and/or set a boundary, if you need to. But first, go somewhere where you can be alone for a moment and feel just a little bit of the pain. Just for one moment let the body relax into it. You can notice if your breathing is shallow and the body all tensed up when pain arises. Usually in this alerted state we want to fight and try to prove our point because we want to avoid the pain that we are feeling inside. But remember this: As long as trauma energy is dormant in us, life will bring about people and situations that will trigger and awaken it. It might seem that these people or situations “create” our inner suffering, but that inner suffering was already in us for years, waiting for us to look at it. And with it, each and every trigger becomes an opportunity for deep healing.

All the fighting on the outside is only to avoid feeling what’s inside. We can continue to feed the fight energy in us for the rest of our days OR we can stop it right here, right now and choose a new path. This is probably one of the hardest things to do as a human being because the fight energy is so strong and like any other living thing, it wants to live. But the moment we stop fighting on the outside, we simultaneously end the fight within. Relief. Breathe. Now we can finally turn inwards and actually allow for healing to happen.

In order for true healing to occur, here, I will guide you to learn to deliberately breathe a little bit more deeply. When we intentionally breathe a little bit more when our pain is activated, the body will follow with a little bit of relaxation. This already allows the pain energy to get moving and start transmuting. You can then observe any sensations arising in the body. This could be heat, cold, shiver, trembling, shaking, a racing heart, sweating etc. whatever you encounter, let it happen. It is likely that tears might come or a scream wants to be released. Do not interfere or try to suppress it. Whatever comes, let it come.

The more we get out of the way and let the intelligence of the body do what it has to do, the better it can do its work. It is a fallacy that we think we have to take control and “do” the healing when the body will do it all by itself, when we let it.

While you observe any bodily sensations you might find that the pain energy starts to move inside of you. Let it move. And also observe what is going on in your mind. Usually there will be lots of racing thoughts such as “How can they do this to me? How can they be so stupid! How dare they treat me like that! I hate them. I hate this life. I hate to feel what I feel. I am all alone. No one helps me. No one respects me. I am completely lost. I don’t want to live.” These are just a few examples. Whatever your minds says, just observe it and try to breathe a little bit more deeply. If it helps, you can say these out loud or write them down on a piece of paper and tear it apart after. It is easy to get lost in these storms but know that underneath all of this is peace. Infinite peace and stillness. That is you.

There is a great video on YouTube that shows an impala coming out of the freeze state and shaking itself into its normal regulated state after being attacked by a leopard. We witness the leopard grabbing and biting the collapsed impala’s head whilst it falls into a freeze state. The only state that is possible at times of great threat and facing a brutal death. Thanks to a hyena that chases away the leopard, shortly afterwards the impala is released and for a few moments it keeps lying there, seemingly half-dead, hardly breathing, its gaze staring into the void. Later we can see how deep belly breaths start to form before the animal eventually erupts into shaking. This shaking is crucial to release the generated trauma energy. Once all trauma energy has been released, the impala hops away and returns to the water graze like nothing happened.

You can look up the mentioned video on YouTube if you like, just search for: “Impala Escapes Death & Shakes off Stress”.

Animals naturally allow for this process to happen because unlike us, no one has taught them to suppress their emotions. But we too are wild animals at the core and we too are equipped with these mechanisms to release stressful events.

But in our society we teach our children to suppress their emotions because we feel inconvenienced by them and then expect them to grow into healthy, regulated adults with healthy minds and bodies. By demanding that our kids suppress their emotions, we inadvertently not only block their authentic expression that will seep into every aspect of their life but also block their innate healing abilities.

It is not so much the terror that happened to us that keeps us stuck and miserable day in and day out but our inability to express the terror. The path forward is expression, not suppression. Not something that we have to learn because expression is an inherent skill that solely needs to be set free. When we, once again, allow our bodies their natural expression, we can release the terrors of whatever we have experienced, little by little. And so we too can hop off like the impala, feeling lighter and hopeful and joyful again. It is redundant to force any shaking for it will happen all by itself.

There is no way around learning to properly process our emotions whenever life gives us an opportunity. And of course it will, because life wants us to be free and healthy but because we lack the skills for emotional regulation, we keep stuck in past cycles and keep repeating painful patterns. The way to break these cycles is to process what’s inside.

I am here to help with that.

Love always,
Lana

Stick around for “To the darkness and back or how to not kill yourself - Part 3”.
How to avoid therapist-pleasing and what suicidal-thoughts-traps to be aware of.