To the darkness and back or how to not kill yourself - Part 3

If you’ve missed Part 1 and 2, you can read them here:
To the darkness and back or how to not kill yourself - Part 1 — LANA MILANOVIC
To the darkness and back or how to not kill yourself - Part 2 — LANA MILANOVIC

Are you a therapist-pleaser?

Some individuals go to therapy just to realise that their therapist doesn’t have the capacity to hold space for the level of heaviness that their pain brings into the room. Our bodies can sense if the energy field of the other is open or emotionally barricaded.

So clients end up minimising their suffering to please the therapist, just like they used to please their parents who couldn’t hold them either.

That way the therapist can come up with some empathy on a mental level for their client’s situation and superficially feel pleased with themselves, while the client on the other hand leaves the session feeling heavier and emptier than before. Just because someone has a cognitive understanding of human psychology and a degree and/or wears a white robe, doesn’t necessarily mean that they have the emotional depth and maturity that sometimes is required in order to hold space for someone else’s emotional pain, or their own for that matter.

If the wounds in the individual are deep, it can be challenging for them to find adequate help as they need someone who doesn’t shy away from diving into the depths of their pain.

And as long as one has not met their own emotional and mental horrors, it is terrifying to go there. Therapist or not. In those crucial moments, it is not so much the degree that someone holds that will determine the success of a clients’ healing but the emotional connection they can establish. It is one of the most potent medicines. Someone who doesn’t have half of your depth will never be able to meet you in the depths where you need to go in order to heal. So, like with anything else, choose your therapist wisely.

Meeting someone with love and tenderness while they share their darkest secrets with us is one of the highest forms of love.

It can leave a long lasting impact on their wellbeing and can set off their healing journey. It is the integration of those aspects that brings about healing and brings us back into wholeness. At the end of the day, what we all truly want (and need) is to be safe to express. To feel seen and heard and understood. To be safe in each others presence. Let’s do that for each other.

This is not to say that therapists lack emotional depth in general. On the contrary, there are wonderful therapists who are a gift for everybody they encounter. I know many people who have had incredibly beautiful and successful therapies. There are hundreds of valuable books that brilliant minds have authored, that can give us insights into the complexities of the human mind and condition, explain why we are the way we are, help us understand how we can build healthy relationships, how to improve our communication, how to love each other better and create a life worth living. The self-help market seems boundless and there is a reason that each and every single one of those books needs to be written. If the book wants to be written, there will always be someone who needs to read it.

Now, with the help of the previous Parts 1 & 2 of this article, that we have established a new healing practice and continue to feel and release our inner chaos, the trauma energy transmutes back into its original state of love/light/purity/presence. Pick whichever you like the most. Suddenly there is space for curiosity, excitement, a hunger for life that couldn’t be felt before because our system was blocked with wounds from the past. We might wake up and feel a desire to try and do something we have never done before. Something we always imagined we would do if we were not so broken. Maybe a new activity, a new passion.

Regardless of the terrors that have happened to us, we might be surprised to discover an invigorated energy, a sense of aliveness that wants to go out there and live.

The traumatic events are not forgotten but they no longer kill us from the inside. Suddenly there is space between what happened to us and who we are. We are no longer trapped in the nightmares of the past but have arrived in a new life. One that wants to be explored and cherished and celebrated.

The different facets of healing and getting out of the darkness

What to avoid:
The first facet is to develop an awareness of the things that amplify old states of desperation and stress in us. This could be: poor eating habits, fasting, feeling hungry (stress for the entire system, when it is already stressed carrying the trauma), isolation, loneliness, feeling cold, poor and infrequent personal hygiene, not leaving the house on a regular basis, sometimes also living in long periods of outer darkness in the northern countries, excessive screen time etc. These act as the salt in your wounds and can have a poisonous effect on your well-being, intensify pain and suffering and are are to be avoided as much as possible. Just like with a physical wound, we want to create an atmosphere that is good for us and conducive to healing.

What to do:
A second facet is to do things that help relief the emotional pain. This can be anything that brings you into movement and action. I have shared a few examples in Part 1 of this article (go outside, take a bath, dance etc.).

What to practise:
Then there is the facet of practising presence. A regular meditation practice is a good entry point, however, we want to expand presence into all life situations not only for a 10 minutes meditation in the morning. So practise being present with whatever you are doing. Washing the dishes, stroking your cat, listening to a friend or a podcast, breathing consciously, walking. Being present does not mean thinking about presence or how present you are and how you are more present than everybody else haha but feeling your body, breathing consciously, being in the moment. While this might seem impossible for those who are overthinkers and plagued by mind attacks, I encourage you to practise nevertheless. Just like with any other practise, it becomes easier the more we do it. Start with being fully present for 2 to 5 seconds at a time, whenever you remember or you can set an alarm every hour. You can do it several times per hour or per minute and feel free to expand the time you are being present.

Transformation:
Eventually, this leads to a fourth facet which is to actively be with you inner experience. This means being present with all emotions and sensations that arise in you, where you meet & greet everything that is alive in you. This is the realm where you transform the pains of the darkness back into light. Whatever emotions and thoughts appear, let them swirl around and move through you without losing yourself in them. And every time you do get lost, simply return to the present moment and continue going about your day. Never ever talk negatively to yourself when you get lost. The presence in you will strengthen because presence is who you are, before you are filled with thoughts and beliefs about yourself and the world.

I trust that these words will find their way into the world and to whomever needs to hear them. It is my wish that we as humanity begin to better understand the appeal of suicide and the deeper purpose of it so that we can hold the hands of those working their way through it and help transmute their inner experience. There is great wisdom beneath the desire to die that is here for us to discover so that we can come out of it strengthened, powerful, whole and authentic.

Love always,
Lana