The thousand faces of the spiritual ego, today: the false sense of femininity
People constantly and very precisely express what happened to them. Not so much by what they say but by the way they behave, the way they treat themselves and the way they treat others. People can say a million things that mean absolutely nothing if their energy tells a different story. One woman might say that she likes hard, rough sex and the man who has no interest in providing a safe container for her on an emotional, mental, physical and spiritual level will be buoyant to jump her. But what she really is saying, is that hard & rough was the way she was loved as a child. The more violent her upbringing, the more violent it will reflect through her sexual relationships. Sometimes we say that we like something just to receive some kind of distorted attention from someone who is disconnected enough to believe our lie.
There is not a single woman I know who feels genuine pleasure from anything hard & rough. If her words are saying so, her body might say otherwise. The body sends a million of cues and is a very precise communicator and much more revealing than our well trained verbal communication skills. The essence of the feminine is soft and sensitive, but through tough life experiences, the softness and gentleness harden so as to protect themselves. We very commonly say that we like things because we want to be perceived a certain way. Especially by men. In the past I would pretend to be very adventurous as if I was up for bungee jumping when in reality I would not even jump from a 3 metre diving board let alone off a bridge or out of a plane. I thought that was what men wanted, someone fun and adventurous and I tried to be more of that instead of embracing my very own definition of adventurous. Trying to be something that we are not is the kind of thing women do when something else drives their behaviour, something deeper, that is desperate to receive love and attention. It was an inner child that sometimes very subtly but powerfully influenced what I would say or do in order to be perceived a certain way. Always conforming to what I believed the man desired. But every man is different and this turned out to be a very futile approach to change my natural inclinations. This energy of despair, conscious or not, will always attract something foul. If you keep attracting dishonest men who have no real interest in you, men who use you and do not seem to have the ability to see and understand you, it is worth having a closer look at your own patterns and beliefs.
Whenever there is a desperate child in the woman that did not receive love, it will drive the grown woman’s behaviour to ridiculous lengths just to get a slice of the attention and “love” from her romantic or sexual partner.
I imagine men must have come up with creative ways to get a slice of that too. If any of you feel comfortable sharing, I would love to hear what tricks you have found in yourself to act somehow differently just to get a woman’s attention.
It is simple, the way we are treated as kids, the programming that is imposed upon us by our parents and caregivers is going to determine what kind of relationships we will create later on in life. From a child’s perspective, if they are treated poorly, it means they must be inherently bad and unlovable, when poor treatment in reality comes from parents who are incapable of processing their own traumas, disconnected from themselves and thus cannot be connected to their kids. When the home we grow up in lacks love and safety, the child has no other choice but to create a myriad of coping mechanisms and stories around the harsh truth that they are not loved, to somehow justify the lack of love.
A family home without love is a world without sunlight.
I will never cease to be amazed by the amount of people who manage to survive such conditions and how life’s intelligence finds ways to secure survival even with little to no sunlight. I hear many people say: parents did the best they could. And while I believe this to be true as well, the fact remains that many of us were not loved correctly. Different layers of a false belief system will build up around the lack of love in an attempt to “explain” why we were treated with roughness instead of gentleness, hostility instead of joy, violence instead of love. The harsher the conditions in childhood, the more disastrous our negative belief system and self-talk will be.
The human mind seems to have infinite possibilities to suppress traumatic events and create a belief system that will sustain the child through any kind of inhuman circumstances, keep them alive but also half-dead, disconnected and small. This very belief system that is at the core of a human’s programming will later create the very similar, painful experiences that the child faced in childhood. This is until one becomes aware of that programming and starts to do the work to dissolve it.
Unawareness and desperation make people do all sorts of things. It is…
the invisible girl, never acknowledged by her father that as an adult woman, or rather the little girl trapped in an adult body, uses the grown woman’s sexuality to finally get those male eyes on her. This woman will be quick to jump random men because she is desperate for love. It is the little girl inside that is starving, because there was no healthy father figure who acknowledged her existence, who loved and cherished and protected her. She does not really want to be overly sexual but rather uses it as a tool to get a need met that her father failed to meet long time ago. She does not know how to get healthy male attention otherwise and remains oblivious to the fact that none of the men in her adult life have the power to meet a need that nature intended to only ever be met by a father: the need to feel seen and loved and protected. It is the grown woman’s misery to act in such ways and it is a man’s foolishness to fall for it. This woman can heal once she is ready to acknowledge the father wound and willing to feel the pain and agony of growing up without a father. Cleansing this energy from within will allow her to attract healthier relationships and men who will care and love and protect her. But that first imprint that she received from the lack of a father has to be acknowledged, felt, processed and released first, as otherwise it will keep running the show and attracting from a place of despair.
the female Bachata dancer who mistakes this beautiful sensual dance for a sexual dance, when in reality it has nothing to do with sexuality. You can easily spot the many women who dance out of their sexual energy, in order to be perceived as sexy. Why do you need to be perceived this way? Why do you need to be sexy all the time and for the entire world? If you have to be overly sexual to attract someone, guess what kind of man you are going to attract. This kind of sexiness has little to do with true eroticism that occurs in private between two people. If the connection to yourself is healthy and steady, there is usually no need to be sexy for the world. It suffices to be sexy naturally, in private, with your partner.
the girl at the ecstatic dance event who never received attention from her father who will dress scantily and dance not in the natural way her body wants to move but in an imposed seductive manner with the hopes and sole purpose of luring in a man who will finally give her the attention that she is aching to receive. Seduction is one of the great joys in life, however, when it is offered publicly on a dance floor to a bunch of strangers, it speaks volumes about the developmental state of the woman. Some of the male species, actually quiet a lot, will be attracted to this behaviour like a moth is attracted to a moth zapper, just to end up burnt. False seduction can only ever attract a man who will see her fake sexuality but will have no competence in seeing her for who she really is, her fears, dreams, hopes and wounds. Not that she would dare to let anyone see those, but this would ultimately be what she truly craves (what we all crave) and this is what she will never get as long as she keeps luring in with a false sense of sexuality. False attracts false and the first step is to stop being false. What a relief, to take off the masks of false femininity.
Pornography would be a rather lengthy topic that I will save for another time, but for today let’s only scratch the surface. There might be one in a million of women who truly desire to use their sexuality to earn a living, a woman who came on this earth with the purpose and gift to seduce, to pleasure, to educate about the mysteries of love making, to provide this service to the world.
Just like Kamala, a gorgeous courtesan, an upper-class prostitute in Hermann Hesse’s “Siddhartha” who was carried on a chair by servants when Siddhartha first saw her. Struck by her beauty, he asked her to become his friend and teacher and said he did not know anything about the art of love. She laughed, teasing that Siddhartha is not yet worthy of her. He had to be beautifully dressed, have a full purse, and bring her presents.
Even though Kamala is a fictional character, she is a beautiful example of a woman whose service is of a sexual nature, whilst she fully remains in her power, honouring her worth and offering her services under her conditions as opposed to modern day porn where women let themselves be used and abused on camera with the desperate, underlying hope to finally be seen or rescued by a man. The majority of women in this industry slips (pun intended) into it because they are deeply traumatised and lack the skills to connect in other ways. It is the pain of the trauma they experienced early on in life that drives their behaviour. The lack of relational skills is only overshadowed by the agony of early abuse that can create such a persona of a woman. A woman who will pretend to love sex, to want it all the time, from all sorts of angles and doing it all publicly. This is not a sign of a healthy, sexually active woman but rather a deeply wounded, disconnected woman with zero boundaries. A woman whose early life experiences were atrocities that we cannot even comprehend.
The poor way she was treated as a little girl becomes the exact way she treats herself today. This programming that she received at the very beginning will determine how she is going to take care of herself throughout her life. You can find numerous of these girls in the freely available pornography content, you can sense the fakeness in their activities, you can see the despair in their eyes, read the “No’s” in their body language and most importantly, you can feel their energy, you can feel that it is heavy, out of balance and only made to please a wounded male ego. The wounded female ego pretending to like something in order to please the wounded male ego with the hopes to get something from it. These are not women in their power, blossoming and flourishing, but women disconnected from their hearts, tormented through life’s tribulations, who have rarely even felt genuine pleasure or arousal. And a million other disconnected people watch these exact videos to release their own stagnant, painful energy that they are unwilling to face.
One of the major milestones in our healing journey is to take back our power and break the victim mentality. Part of the awakening process is to see our own actions with such clarity that it becomes impossible to continue living life in the same manner. Luckily our brains have the ability to change and adapt and we can change that programming. And exactly here lies the solution to the behaviour. In order to change and step out of any kind of detrimental behaviour, we must stop avoiding our wounds and face them head first. There is usually a thick layer of resistance to actually facing our pain because it means that we will also have to feel the pain of what was done to us and what we have done to ourselves too.
It is important to understand, not only on a mental but on a soul level, that we all always act to the best of our ability. Every single person has a highly unique life experience and every single person does the best they can. Always hold yourself in self-compassion.
Most people are unaware of the true motivations behind their actions. They keep living the lie and telling themselves that they like harsh & hard. One of their survival mechanisms might have showed up as trying to like whatever misery they were given. If we cannot escape or defend, if there is no one who will defend or save us, if there is no way out of a situation, it seems to be the last instance to try and like the abuse in order to survive the cruelty. It is quite a remarkable protection mechanism, in an attempt to ensure survival and make the experience less painful. It is less painful for the child to try and pretend to “like” the painful experience because actually feeling the severity of the experience might put an end to their young life. For some, this might also be the origin of masochistic preferences.
There is no shame in discovering these parts in ourselves, on the contrary, it cracks us open, it humbles us, it expands our heart and heals us. I am aware that many people refuse to do the inner work because the shame they feel around these darker aspects seems unbearable. It might feel as no one is allowed to ever know this about us. How creepy and just how broken we can be. But this is just another aspect of an inner child voice that is afraid that it is not going to be loved if people only knew. We have to see all these voices for what they are: afraid little voices, fearing to lose connection.
However, true connection can only come into existence when we say yes to all of these little aspects, when we welcome them, when we understand that connection & love are basic human needs and that it is in our nature to do everything in order to get it, because if we do not get it, we die.
Children either die when there is no connection and love OR alternatively they connect to the evil, the only thing available to them. Connection to the evil is still connection and even if it is dreadful, it will ensure survival. No connection, no life. The suppressed pain and the agony of receiving anything but love will act out of the subconscious and drive the adult’s behaviour in order to get what they didn’t get back then. The only way to end these mechanisms is to become aware of them and cleanse the pain on an energetic as well as mental level. And again, there is no shame in discovering these aspects because they literally saved our lives. Nature’s first law is survival. No exceptions. Nature does not care if our egos feel humiliated by certain human mechanisms that occur in us. It ensures our survival and trusts that we will find the grace to deal with the rest. And so be it. Discovering these parts and taking them in, transforms our brokenness into wholeness.
In closing, seeing these aspects in ourselves is a good thing because now they can no longer drive our behaviour. They can only do so as long as we are unaware of them. So whatever creepy aspects you find in you, applaud yourself for reaching deeper levels of self-awareness. Welcome the shame and the humiliation that arise inside when we explore the darkest corners of our psyche and embrace them all with the infinite love that lives in your heart. Wholeness is when we integrate all those shadowy parts. This is where we heal. This is where we become soft again. This is where we become feminine again. True, divine feminine.
Love always,
Lana