The casual hook-up: the equivalent of fast-food and fast-fashion (or why you should honour yourself enough to refrain from it)

On a superficial level a hook-up might seem like a fun thing to do, especially after we have come out of long-term relationships, where we spent large amounts of time with one and the same partner. Maybe we are forever alone and crave connection, newness and find the idea of tasting a new fruit enticing. But in reality, hook-ups are not those exciting, gratifying experiences that we deep down hope and wish for. People who get physical with strangers usually lack boundaries that would otherwise allow for a slow and steady getting-to-know-someone-process first. Many of us have not been taught how to honour & respect our bodies. While some guys have yet to learn how to control their urges so that they do not need to chase after sex for physical release, women tend to sleep with a guy because they do not know how else to connect. They naively hope that by doing so he will fall in love and commit to her, which of course is rarely the outcome but rather creates a world of men, believing that there is absolutely no effort required for them to get sex from women. Participating in hook-up culture does not add real value to a woman’s life because when she sleeps with a man who is not committed to her, she meets his need for sex while he does not meet her need for commitment. Nor does casual sex, in my view, bring lasting fulfillment to the man. There might be a time & space for everything, and yes, also for hook-ups, as they too can teach us a variety of lessons. However, there are consequences if we jump in and out of other people’s beds that we need to explore.

Hook-ups have become so normal that we even talk about hook-up “culture”. We encourage each other to “have fun” and wave YOLO’s at each other as we vanish into a stranger’s arms (and pants).

I am all about having fun, because I truly believe that this is why we are here. We came here to experience all of life. Yet more often than not, hook-ups leave us feeling unfulfilled and empty. A man who does not know and deeply appreciate the woman he has found himself in bed with, who does not know her body, is not going to care enough about the fact that her body is not as straight forward as his, unwilling to put in the time and effort that would be required for her to have an enjoyable experience. How can it be enjoyable for him, if he is focused on his own pleasure only, being disconnected from his own heart and thus from her’s and merely looking to relief himself? How is it fun for a woman to allow low-standard behaviour because deep down she is desperate for connection? The more women lower their standards, the more low quality men they create. In which part of the planet is that the definition of fun? Pretending otherwise is not going to work in the long run. Both genders lack discipline and self-worth and only by dishonouring themselves, they dishonour one another.

Allowing someone to touch the most intimate parts of your body should not be taken lightly. For sex it is a sacred, temporary union, an extension of a relationship. It is giving and receiving love, an exchange of energies. As a woman you want to ask yourself what type of energy and consciousness has this man? Is he present, caring, patient, in tune with himself and with you, is he playful or is he in a rush, are his thoughts heavy and negative? Is he willing and able to touch you the way it feels good to you or is he focused solely on his own pleasure? As a man you might want to ask yourself, does she appreciate you? Is she content, bitter, does she respect herself and you? Is she recharging or draining your energy? Be mindful of who you allow to enter not only your body but your energy field.

If we have a closer look and if we are willing to be entirely and brutally honest with ourselves, it would be unequivocal that two complete strangers having sex, who know nothing about each other, sometimes not even each other’s names much less preferences, likes, dislikes, wishes, desires & fears, seems nothing but… strange. Because they are after all: strangers. Only someone who is disconnected from themself can stifle the need for connection on a variety of other levels first that are vital for a more organic desire to arise to hop into someone’s pants. Why do you think there is so much alcohol involved, if it was not for suppressing the lack of self-worth and genuine connection… Whereas someone who is connected, is not going to feel a desire whatsoever to be touched let alone pleasured by a total stranger. They would feel repelled by it and have enough self-respect to not allow random people to touch them. When people meet and get to know each other, when there is space for playfulness, friendship, humour, being present with each other, sharings of emotional intimacy, love might come as a consequence. All these things, however, require time and slowness. The more slowly you get to know each other the more solid your foundation will be. And if love comes, with it comes genuine lust & desire.

The desire for connection does not justify the urge to have sex
with just about anyone. What we truly crave at our core is genuine connection.

Whenever there is a sense of urgency, there is something deeper driving our behaviour that we need to explore. The urge to rely on promiscuity, the urge to rush and get naked as soon as possible is generally driven by an underlying pain that we, so far, refuse to face. Trying to urgently establish a sexual connection with another human being, stems more than anything, from a lack of connection to the self. No external person has the power or ability to fill an inner void that originates in the depths of our own being. As the urge, if at all, subsides only very temporarily after intercourse, we are compelled to try and get more of it instead of stopping and looking the other way. But we are stubborn and do not want to stop because stopping means actually looking at our own behaviour and seeing parts in us that we would rather keep hidden and buried for the rest of our days. But what we truly want, what our soul craves, is to become free and we can only free ourselves by looking at our own stuff and rather than feeling ashamed and embarrassed about the things we find, we can look at it with curiosity, empathy and a good portion of humour. We can become curious about that which drives us which will inevitably lead us to stop running from our own inner demons.

We live in a world where we often do not know how to connect with each other in a healthy way or without a significant amount of alcohol, so we end up jumping into each other’s beds, hoping that sleeping with strangers will satisfy our need for connection.

But it is neither alcohol nor superficial sexual connections that will bring about deep peace & fulfillment, but our willingness to be present with everything that is alive within us. As there is no growth and healing without facing the aspects in us that keep ruling and ruining our lives, I invite and encourage you to inquire more deeply if you wish for your live to move into another direction, if you wish to free yourself from the past and heal. There is usually a little girl alive in every woman and a little boy in every man that is desperate for connection. They are the aspects in us that have not received the love, safety and care that they needed. These little creatures are now not only very alive in us but also anguished. The pain of whatever wounding they have experienced is nearly impossible to bear and surviving without having had these very basic human needs met is what makes grown men and women behave in the most undignified of ways. If we are not aware of those aspects in us, we end up being driven by them, driven by their pain and despair that will try to get that connection that they so desperately needed back then, in any way they possibly can think of here in the now. And it is easiest although never lasting, to get that connection through sex because all the other ways would require time which is exactly what the urge does not allow for.

An apparently grown woman with this kind of desperate inner-child-energy will translate into a woman who will sleep around with strangers for lack of better relational skills and a grown man will meet her in bed so that they both can try and sex away that pain of old wounding that they do not wish to feel.

Guys, if you are desperate to sleep with women, you can allow yourself to meet that energy that is driving you into Don Juan-mode. This is where maturity, bravery, discipline and self-control will arise from, by actually meeting and feeling the discomfort underneath, so that the despair energy no longer has power over you. Meeting and processing these emotions will bring about the release and relief that you are seeking. And with this you will become more relaxed and can appreciate emotional and intimate connection with another rather than having the urge to sleep with someone to fill the void that you feel. You learn to self-regulate and no longer need sex or alcohol or drugs to regulate you. And Ladies, if your wish is to end up in a beautiful, healthy, committed relationship, stop entertaining low quality men. You, too, have to face the desperation within and learn to be alone instead of giving yourself away to men who do not honour you. They cannot honour you as long as you do not honour yourself. Facing our wounds might not seem as the most attractive choice to make, however, it is only unattractive to the human mind that does not have the capacity to see a bigger truth. Choosing to face the pain over fast, empty sex will reconnect you to your dignity and restore self-respect. You rise in consciousness when you face you inner world and it becomes evident that fast sex, just like fast food and fast fashion, is based on poor quality and low value. It becomes utterly unappealing to a healthy human.

The solution here is one that we like to ignore and avoid until we have tried absolutely everything else because it just seems impossible for us humans to face the actual pain and feel it. Nevertheless, it is as simple as that. The simplest and equally most excruciating thing I am asking of you is to feel that which you do not wish to feel. To feel the unfeelable. And I am not asking you to do so because I enjoy seeing you in pain but because I know that you have all you need to face it and because I know that only by doing so you will actually start to process it so that you can become free. I am basically asking you to suffer terribly but temporarily in order to get you through and out on the other side. The old emotions that are linked to the childhood wounding are not going anywhere unless we understand the importance and necessity of feeling and processing them. Just like throwing a plastic bottle into the sea: for a while it might appear as though it is gone but at some point it will resurface in another area. The temporary relief from fast-sex, alcohol, drugs or any other addiction might seem to ease the pain, but just like the plastic bottle, the pain will resurface and without resolving the root cause of the issue, it might show up in another area or through another addiction.

“But Lana, what can we do about it?” I present to you, la solución: Next time when you feel the urge to jump into someone else’s pants: don’t. Pause. Go home. Alone.

Sit down. Lie down. Stand tall or hide under the desk, do as you please. Turn towards the urge. Say hi. And instead of taking any action that you usually would, very gently open to the urge and feel it. Breathe. Be with it. If other emotions come up, welcome them. Notice what bodily sensations you feel. Is there sadness? Fear? Shame? Beautiful! Meet all of them and do not feel ashamed of anything. This process requires a high level of self-awareness and an even higher level of bravery, so do not fall into the negative spiral that you should not be feeling what you are feeling or that it means that you are a bad human being. You can allow this process to take place for a minute or five or a day or a week. Usually your body will instinctively bring up as much as it can process at a time. You lean back and relax into the pain. And that is it! The only thing that is required from you is to be fully present with everything that you feel.

You learn to process old pain in this way and you become less and less driven by any funny behaviours and can act from a more grounded place instead. As a result, the urge to numb the pain diminishes because you now have a better skill available at any given moment that has actually the power not to numb or suppress but to transform the pain.

In this more connected space we also become more commonly available for a new quality of connections. We might find that we are more open to inviting people into our lives who not only accept a facade or the funny side of us, but who are mature enough to meet a wealth of aspects of our human experience, because we are. There is so much more depth in these connections and this is what nurtures us. It is my experience that those connections and friendships thrive and become stronger, where we feel we can be authentically whoever we are in that moment, whereas the ones that require us to put on the masks, sooner or later fade away.

When you are more connected to yourself and establish more nourishing relationships with others, you are also in a place to let sexual desire grow organically. You can enjoy meeting and getting to know people whilst being very clear about where you wish to go with it. You might discover & explore boundaries and celebrate setting them with confidence. And like every other creature on this planet, you can now allow for the natural process of play, flirt and court to occur.

Love always,
Lana