How to remain light when people around you feel heavy?

A dear friend of mine brought up a topic that I believe is relevant for so many of us. How do we keep our own joy and lightness whilst the people around us go through darker periods? How can we be there for them, support them without giving something away that we ourselves don’t have enough of? How can we find the balance between taking care of our own well-being and caring for others?

Of course there is never one right answer or a one size fits all approach. We have to look at each individual and their unique circumstances in order to figure out what works for them. However, there is one thing that is paramount and that many people underestimate: If we wish to stay sane and healthy, we must prioritise our own mental health first.

Here is the thing, you cannot give for any other reason than if you are giving freely. If you give your time, attention, love and care to someone for any other reason, you will have to carry the consequences like a rucksack of bricks. The single most important thing in your life is your own connection to the self, your own light, your own truth. This connection must be your number one priority, no matter what. No friend, sibling, parent or partner can be more important than the connection to the self.

I am not suggesting we all become egocentric little bastards with an interest in us and us only. This would not be natural either because we as humans have a deep desire for connection and love to give and care for each other. And that is exactly the point. We can only do so when our cup is full. If you can deepen the connection to yourself, you will naturally feel full on the inside because you are taking care of yourself, you act in every moment according to your own guidance, you act on what feels right and good to you. And this level of self-love makes you feel heaps of love that naturally spills over and into the lives of the ones around you. It is from here that you wish to give, because you are now coming from a place of abundance and you not only feel love but you are love.

I am well aware that this might not be something that comes as second nature to you. In fact, most of us have been taught to put themselves last and now I am here telling you to do the opposite. It is a process and it requires patience and practice to overwrite this outdated false program but do not worry, I will continue to talk about it until it becomes second nature.

Sometimes depending on the family dynamics it is not only beneficial but necessary to take oneself out of that system. Perhaps for a few weeks, months or years and sometimes even for a lifetime. This decision lies within each individual and them only. It is not for anyone else to decide or make assumptions. If you feel that you cannot be and become who you truly are while you are inside of that system, it might be worth considering leaving it. If the family system is very unconscious and stuck in detrimental patterns, it is not your responsibility nor in your power to save or change them. Your only responsibility is to take care of yourself.

If your Dad is depressed and miserable, you might want to see him every now and then, when your cup is full and when you wholeheartedly feel that you can and wish to be with him. I would not recommend being with him if it feels like a chore or burdensome obligation, as this is going to be the underlying energy that you bring into the room and they can sense that, whether they are conscious of it or not. Feeling like someone’s chore is not something that could possibly lift their spirits nor does it help anyone if you force yourself to do something that you do not want to do. We have to stop resenting each other for things that we do just because we believe that we have to do it for the other instead of each taking care of our own boundaries. If you take care of your own yeses and nos, you no longer have to feel resentful towards someone else who in reality has no power whatsoever over your boundaries. So only if you can and wish to, you should go and spend time with Dad. They will pick up on that as well, whether consciously or unconsciously and the experience will be a very different one, because your energy is different in the first place.

The practice is to let go of the guilt if you cannot call them or be with them. You can welcome that feeling to be here and you can feel it in your body. Sometimes it can help to talk to it too. I talk to mine as if it was a little child that is afraid of doing what is best for them, because that is exactly what this feeling is. An old little remnant of a child-aspect still alive in us in emotional form, accompanied by thought forms such as “I am not allowed to be my authentic self”, “I am not allowed to say no”, “I have to prioritise the well-being of others over mine”, “I have to, I have to, I have to”. We can feel the emotion and simultaneously look at the thoughts and beliefs coming up with it and by seeing and feeling them in our own system, we start to release them. Look at it as a healthy yes to yourself instead of seeing it as a no to Dad.

Love,
Lana